Bobbers & Bullets

Almost true lies about hunting & fishing

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”-Anonymous

Rhinelander’s Randy Hazelquist invents “Nano Powered” Musky lure

Using the newest state of the art “Nano Technology” Rhinelander fishing legend Randy Hazelquist has developed the first laser motor powered surface musky lure soon to be available at fine fishing tackle stores near you. The bait swims independently returning to the rod at the push of a button.

Hazelquist told reporters he has invested over 59 cents and 5 years in the development of his new line of lures. “These babies go like hell with their cute little laser powered motors…I love watching them go up and down the river…but 4 of my test models were gobbled up by real big muskies or carps or northern pikes or sumpin… I never did git em back gol-dangit anyway.”

The technology is based on discoveries at the University of Wisconsin in Madison which has led the world in research and development efforts for the new micro power source. UW Engineering students have made remarkable strides in the last 24 months bringing both international praise and millions in research dollars to the University.

Many area Fishing Guides have expressed doubts regarding the effectiveness of the new lures with Mr. Dave Doolittle of Lake Tomahawk calling the concept “Kinda goofy and doomed to failure.”

But Hazelquist is undaunted and say they will revolutionize Sport fishing. His occasional fishing Guide Denny Spencer is skeptical telling this reporter “I think Randy has gone off his meds again.”

Hazelquist said he will initially offer 5 or 6 versions of his new baits to be available by next Tuesday Nov.23^rd. They are expected to sell for about $150.00 each not including hooks or the really small little batteries which are an additional $5.00 -Gimme a dozen of each!

Rhinelander DNR says 5 deer were reportedly seen in Oneida County

Responding to continuous negative attacks regarding the pathetically low populations of white tail deer, Rhinelander District DNR Wardens held a news conference to report sightings of over 5 deer in Oneida County in the last 30 days.

“This proves beyond a doubt our herd is healthy and thriving” said Warden in Training Gary B. Gullible. When asked for more details regarding the claim. - NEXT PAGE

Gullible said “look mister you have to believe what we tell ya, have we ever led you astray before?” Bystanders told this reporter that the media people attending the news conference were rolling in the isles with laughter at the Warden’s comment.

Warden in Training Gary B. Gullible went on to say the DNR is considering bringing back the party tag system which enables 4 hunters to apply for one doe tag to be worn by a member of the group each day which enable the four hunters to share a doe. “We will have to limit the number of doe tags made available, right now we’re thinkin next year we’ll be able to award one tag, maybe two.”

With the 2010 Deer gun season only 5 days away, “Those 5 deer better find a safe place to bed down” according to hunting legend Jon Bando of Rhinelander. “With close to 30,000 hunters runnin around in Oneida County, those 5 poor deer are gonna be shot to shit if they don’t hide!” He concluded.

Bobbers and Bullets will publish a full report showing deer kill numbers, DUIs, divorce filings and other bench orders as soon as the deer gun season ends on November 28^th. –Run, Bambi run!

WI DNR defends using mechanical decoy deer, may use decoy Wardens

For those unfortunate hunters who have shot and been arrested for shooting a mechanical deer decoy the thought of the DNR setting up mechanical wardens throughout the state sends chills up the spine.

Local hunting, fishing and beer drinking legend Denny Spencer calls the plan “Outrageous and just plain not very nice!”

Mr. Spencer had the miss-fortune of shooting a DNR deer several years ago which reportedly cost him over $150,000 and another fortune in ribbing from friends and family. “I only shot at it 5 times… and I don’t ever want to go through that again…and the thought of some fake Wardens standing on a hilltop watching or taking pictures of me is scary… really scary!”

With recent budget cuts DNR officials claim the new “officers” will save money and cut down on the poaching problem and enjoyment of the deer hunting experience. “Our mechanical friends will help us enforce the game laws and allow us (real guys) to spend more time in the restaurants drinking coffee where we do our best work” said Warden Willie Ketchme from central Wisconsin.

Ketchme would neither confirm nor deny reports of a similar mechanical decoy being developed in the version of a Walleye to be introduced next spring. “We’re still thinkin on it” he said.

Reportedly the “Wardens” are so lifelike in appearance and movement that DNR employees couldn’t tell the difference from 25 yards when standing next to a human Warden. In a related story Wiesel’s Exotic Dance Club in Three Lakes announced they would be featuring five mechanical strippers during the upcoming 9 day deer hunting season as a novelty. –Mechanical lap dance anyone?

Calling for Order in Wolf Debate

Many hunters are rightfully angry that a federal judge has put the gray wolf back under federal protection based on legal technicalities. Taking management away from state authorities allows wolves to multiply and spread. Wolves are already so plentiful they are cutting down herds of elk, moose, and deer, and are also killing livestock and pets. Wolves need to be controlled and we must continue toward that goal in an orderly fashion.

We sportsmen want to bring wolves under state management because this will sustain wolves, control the problems that wolves cause, and protect wolves from poachers. To do so, we look forward to working with other affected citizens, government, and other allies to clear up the legal technicalities and finalize the transfer to state management. This way wolves will be managed the same way as other wildlife based on the best available science with protections against illegal killing.

State management of wolves is best for the wolves and people, and wolf populations are so large now that the time is past due.

State management will be the best deal wolves have ever had. Wolves have never been managed sustainably in the lower 48 states. State and federal governments purposefully eradicated wolves, and then restored them under complete federal protection. This full protection has restored wolf numbers far beyond recovery goals: all 6 states with gray wolves in the lower 48 have at least doubled the number of wolves beyond their recovery goals. Idaho is at least 8 times over its goal. There are about 3,000 wolves in Minnesota, 600 each in Wisconsin and Michigan, at least 800 wolves in Idaho, 500 in Montana, and 300 in Wyoming.

Switching to state management will not be easy: federal and state managers have tried it 3 times in the last 7 years, having each effort struck down either because the law was fuzzy on how it could happen or too strict about why it cannot. These interpretations in federal district court are the latest examples of judges second-guessing government experts – an error for which the next highest appeals court has admonished its judges.

To achieve state management, hunters need to turn their anger into passion, speak up, and ask for hard but fair commitments from state and federal government. We need passion the way Theodore Roosevelt had passion in creating American conservation, which is our legacy and heritage to perpetuate. We need to stay in the arena of debate and decision and stay out of the bogs of blame and bad-mouthing. It is self-defeating to blame or antagonize federal and state officials. They agree with us on what needs to happen and we need their help. We need hard commitments from them to try new approaches within current law and, ideally, to change law and policy to close loopholes.

This complex task is already underway through a cooperative partnership between the state and federal governments. The Obama Administration has already filed an appeal of the recent federal court ruling. States have petitioned for greater management authority. Legislators from Montana, Wyoming and Idaho have begun meeting to devise a solution and have invited the federal government’s participation. We appreciate these straight-up attempts that demonstrate the resolve of our government. We acknowledge the sovereign authority of each state to manage its own laws and budgets.

Finally, as we seek hard commitments from government, we also need to draw a hard line for ourselves: we are sportsmen, not wolf-haters. Statements on the Internet about poaching wolves are an affront to the American conservation ethic. Illegal killing is wrong, self-defeating, and exactly opposite of how sportsmen created conservation and the privilege of ethical hunting in the first place. Hunters in America fought poachers and pushed for laws to regulate hunting. Later, sportsmen paid fees and taxes on our own licenses and equipment to fund wildlife restoration that brought wildlife back to abundance, including the game we hunt. Ours is a history of self-restraint and respect for wildlife.

Today we are asking for wolves to be brought under modern state management. We will pursue this goal with the diligence we take to hunting itself, working professionally with the agencies, seeking allies, and pushing forward the policies that will prevent this tragedy from happening again with other wildlife.


Boone and Crockett ClubLowell E. Baier, President

Mule Deer FoundationMiles O. Moretti, President/CEO

Pope and Young ClubRoger Atwood, President

Rocky Mountain Elk FoundationM. David Allen, President/CEO

Safari Club International and Safari Club International FoundationDr. Larry Rudolph, President

Wild Sheep FoundationGray N. Thornton, President/CEO

Wildlife Management InstituteSteven A. Williams, President